Innocence Lost

When I was sixteen years old, I went to a party with a friend. At that time there were no warnings about rape drugs. I had never heard of them, let alone been cautioned about accepting drinks from strangers (or those you don't know really well.) Leave a drink unattended? We did it all the time. It never crossed our minds that there are people with evil intentions that would harm others in such a way. I was naive. I was innocent.

This all changed that night. I was drugged and raped. My virginity was gone... to a complete stranger. I didn't know it was rape. There was no violence. There was no need for violence. The drug took care of that. I didn't say no. I didn't know I needed to because, in my innocence, I didn't know that's what he was doing until it was too late. These insidious drugs make you only partially aware of what's happening around you and to you.

Several months later, a friend and I got into a strangers truck. I had been warned about never getting into a strangers car.. alone. I had been warned about always using the buddy system. I thought this was safe. It wasn't. He got her out of the truck, took me to an isolated area and raped me. There were no drugs to numb my mind or the pain this time.

When I was 20, married and had a two year old, it happened yet again. I was raped. This time by the husband of a friend.

There wasn't an innocent bone left in my body.

Are there moments in time when you realized your innocence was lost? I don't mean the moment you lost your virginity, consenting or not. I mean those moments when you saw the evil and hard things in the world, tasted the evil in the world, and it changed you. It altered your view of yourself and your view of the world.

Each of these events (and others) in my life altered me. After the first two incidents I doubted God as never before. I also suddenly understood what men wanted. All men. I had no room left in my thinking that there were any moral men on this planet. My own morals came under fire and many fell in a dazzling burst of flame. I fell with them.

The third time eventually drove me to my knees in search of God. My back could no longer carry the burden of my own sin along with the sins of others. I needed to know if there was any relief. I needed to know if God was real or not.

My search led me to a relationship with God that I didn't know was possible. I finally uttered the words; "God, if You're real.. if Jesus died for me, please forgive me." Not exactly a great prayer of faith, but in that instant I knew He was real and that I was forgiven. The expression "I was blind, but now I see" fit perfectly. The weight of my sin fell off my back and I was declared forgiven. I was declared innocent.

I will never regain innocence in regards to this world again, yet I found a greater innocence. An innocence that can trust God and love man. An innocence that is timeless and unaffected by the things of this world. The shadows of lost innocence are long and dark, yet my soul lives in the light and freedom of the knowledge of eternity, where no sin or pain will stain my life.