I hate it when I'm caught unaware and am triggered by something I wasn't expecting. Somehow it seems as if I ought to always have some kind of warning. (Wouldn't that be nice?!)
The other day, I was online and went to a news site. I clicked on an article and that's when a headline of to the side grabbed me, gave me a punch, knocked the air out of me and in a slight panic I clicked the red x. Escape! But as that kind of thing usually goes, escape wasn't so simple. I endured a long night, tossing and turning. Drifting off, only to be awoken with the headline racing through my head. It seemed permantly etched to my eyes. Or one word anyway. The word Mine. The headline was about a man that was arrested for rape and the headline included the information that he had carved the word Mine on his victims body.
My heart broke for her that she will have that gastly scar to live with... that constant reminder. That constant invasion. It overwhelmed me.
When I searched myself as to why it caused such turmoil in me... for me... the answer seemed realitively clear. In a way (though not always with a knife) that's what all rapists do. They carve the word Mine on our bodies and minds, because our bodies remember and our minds can never forget. Our lives have been written upon by rapists and we endure times that we feel we belong to rape. We struggle and fight against it. The very notion makes us angry and we deny it. Yet, there it is. We have been raped and there is nothing we can do to undo that. There is nothing we can do to make ourselves forget.
I pondered what possible solutions I would take had it literally been carved into my flesh... that single word... mine. A skin graft? The idea didn't hold any comfort. I would always know why that patch of skin looked different. A tattoo to cover it? No. I would always know that I was hiding something horrible and filthy. I would always know it was just beneath the 'art'. I've lived to much of my life hiding rape, from others and myself! I was so grieved because I saw no answer. If I couldn't find an answer to escape the power of that word on the flesh, how would I ever find the answer to it etched on the heart and mind?
Like King David, I lay on my bed and prayed.
1 In You, O LORD, I put my trust;
Let me never be ashamed;
Deliver me in Your righteousness.
2 Bow down Your ear to me,
Deliver me speedily;
Be my rock of refuge,
A fortress of defense to save me.
3 For You are my rock and my fortress;
Therefore, for Your name’s sake,
Lead me and guide me.
4 Pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me,
For You are my strength.
5 Into Your hand I commit my spirit;
You have redeemed me, O LORD God of truth.
6 I have hated those who regard useless idols;
But I trust in the LORD.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in Your mercy,
For You have considered my trouble;
You have known my soul in adversities,
8 And have not shut me up into the hand of the enemy;
You have set my feet in a wide place.
9 Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am in trouble;
My eye wastes away with grief,
Yes, my soul and my body!
10 For my life is spent with grief,
And my years with sighing;
My strength fails because of my iniquity,
And my bones waste away.
11 I am a reproach among all my enemies,
But especially among my neighbors,
And am repulsive to my acquaintances;
Those who see me outside flee from me.
12 I am forgotten like a dead man, out of mind;
I am like a broken vessel.
13 For I hear the slander of many;
Fear is on every side;
While they take counsel together against me,
They scheme to take away my life.
14 But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD;
I say, “You are my God.”
15 My times are in Your hand;
Deliver me from the hand of my enemies,
And from those who persecute me.
16 Make Your face shine upon Your servant;
Save me for Your mercies’ sake.
17 Do not let me be ashamed, O LORD, for I have called upon You;
Let the wicked be ashamed;
Let them be silent in the grave.
18 Let the lying lips be put to silence,
Which speak insolent things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.
19 Oh, how great is Your goodness,
Which You have laid up for those who fear You,
Which You have prepared for those who trust in You
In the presence of the sons of men!
20 You shall hide them in the secret place of Your presence
From the plots of man;
You shall keep them secretly in a pavilion
From the strife of tongues.
21 Blessed be the LORD,
For He has shown me His marvelous kindness in a strong city!
22 For I said in my haste,
“I am cut off from before Your eyes”;
Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications
When I cried out to You.
23 Oh, love the LORD, all you His saints!
For the LORD preserves the faithful,
And fully repays the proud person.
24 Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart,
All you who hope in the LORD. (Psalm 31, New King James Version)
And the Lord heard me and showed me. I saw the only answer. The word Mine must remain, but it must be transformed with new meaning.
Song of Solomon 6:3
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.
This is what must be written upon our hearts and minds. The Lord is my beloved, I belong to Him, and my beloved is mine. It's the only way to take back the word... to be rid of the ugliness that the word mine has had due to rape. I do not belong to a rapist. I do not belong to rape. Rape does belong to me, yet I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.
And there is freedom and rest in that.
