Beauty From Pain

Rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings. 1 Peter 4:13

The sufferings of Jesus were not the 'ordinary' kind of suffering that mankind faces. He suffered according to the will of God. It is only when we are related to and abiding in Jesus that we may become partakers of Christ's suffering. Only then can our suffering come under the hand of God and be transformed. Only then can beauty come from pain and ashes. Only then can our Lord make use of us in our suffering. Usefulness that stretches into eternity.

I have railed against the suffering that rape brought to my life. I have cried about how unfair it is. And I'm right. It is unfair. Yet, if I remain in that attitude, my suffering remains mine alone and can't be transformed. Jesus went to the cross without once uttering how unfair it was to die at the hands of man.. those He created!, for their very sin - when He alone was sinless. Talk about 'unfair'.

How can God have said to 'count it all joy' when trials and tribulation come at us? We cannot know exactly why God is taking us this way, but He knows. And as we become partakers in the sufferings of Christ, new life comes forth. Jesus' suffering is still affecting lives 2,000 years later.

I don't want my suffering to be an ordinary thing. I want to be able to look back and see His light and love poured out over it, sanctifying me and using me. I want to hear 'well done My good and faithful servant.' I want to bear my cross with grace and honor Him who asked me to bear it. Let not my heart faint within me.

Innocence Lost

When I was sixteen years old, I went to a party with a friend. At that time there were no warnings about rape drugs. I had never heard of them, let alone been cautioned about accepting drinks from strangers (or those you don't know really well.) Leave a drink unattended? We did it all the time. It never crossed our minds that there are people with evil intentions that would harm others in such a way. I was naive. I was innocent.

This all changed that night. I was drugged and raped. My virginity was gone... to a complete stranger. I didn't know it was rape. There was no violence. There was no need for violence. The drug took care of that. I didn't say no. I didn't know I needed to because, in my innocence, I didn't know that's what he was doing until it was too late. These insidious drugs make you only partially aware of what's happening around you and to you.

Several months later, a friend and I got into a strangers truck. I had been warned about never getting into a strangers car.. alone. I had been warned about always using the buddy system. I thought this was safe. It wasn't. He got her out of the truck, took me to an isolated area and raped me. There were no drugs to numb my mind or the pain this time.

When I was 20, married and had a two year old, it happened yet again. I was raped. This time by the husband of a friend.

There wasn't an innocent bone left in my body.

Are there moments in time when you realized your innocence was lost? I don't mean the moment you lost your virginity, consenting or not. I mean those moments when you saw the evil and hard things in the world, tasted the evil in the world, and it changed you. It altered your view of yourself and your view of the world.

Each of these events (and others) in my life altered me. After the first two incidents I doubted God as never before. I also suddenly understood what men wanted. All men. I had no room left in my thinking that there were any moral men on this planet. My own morals came under fire and many fell in a dazzling burst of flame. I fell with them.

The third time eventually drove me to my knees in search of God. My back could no longer carry the burden of my own sin along with the sins of others. I needed to know if there was any relief. I needed to know if God was real or not.

My search led me to a relationship with God that I didn't know was possible. I finally uttered the words; "God, if You're real.. if Jesus died for me, please forgive me." Not exactly a great prayer of faith, but in that instant I knew He was real and that I was forgiven. The expression "I was blind, but now I see" fit perfectly. The weight of my sin fell off my back and I was declared forgiven. I was declared innocent.

I will never regain innocence in regards to this world again, yet I found a greater innocence. An innocence that can trust God and love man. An innocence that is timeless and unaffected by the things of this world. The shadows of lost innocence are long and dark, yet my soul lives in the light and freedom of the knowledge of eternity, where no sin or pain will stain my life.

Support?

In my search for answers over the last few years, I've stumbled across and joined a few rape related message boards. One of the things that I've found interesting and incredibly frustrating is the kind of 'support' so often offered as though it had any real benefit. Hundreds of times after someone posts a heart wrenching struggle they're dealing with, the responses will often state something along the lines of "If you ever want to talk, I'm here. Love you!" Wasn't the original post intended to talk? Right then? Right there?

No one expects us to have all the answers, but cheap love and pretend support isn't what any of us needs. We're all finding our way through this. Some are further along than others. Some of grasped something that will undoubtedly help someone else. Some have seen something in a way that the hurting haven't considered yet. These things need to be shared! Over and over again if necessary.

The bigger frustration is that when someone joins one of these boards and frankly, has the social ineptitude of a skunk, yet if someone calls them on their lousy attitude, filthy language (which happens to be a major trigger for many rape victims... most obviously because so many rapists use those words during the rape... duh..), or just plain rudeness to other posters, there are inevitably those that will come along and excuse their behavior. They immediately side with 'the rude one', claiming that their behavior needs to be overlooked because they were raped. So, let me get this straight... if you're a rape victim, you suddenly have free reign to be a jerk wherever you go? You were treated like garbage so it's completely understandable and excusable to treat others like garbage? I simply can't wrap my head around that.

Treat others as you would like to be treated is still a great rule to live by.

Treating others with kindness and respect actually shows healing. It shows a healthy view towards others instead of a life filled with self absorption and self pity. While being an angry brat may feel good and 'powerful', it's not. It self demeaning and will get you nowhere fast.

And that's my rant for the day! Have a great one and be kind to one another!