Mine

I hate it when I'm caught unaware and am triggered by something I wasn't expecting. Somehow it seems as if I ought to always have some kind of warning. (Wouldn't that be nice?!)

The other day, I was online and went to a news site. I clicked on an article and that's when a headline of to the side grabbed me, gave me a punch, knocked the air out of me and in a slight panic I clicked the red x. Escape! But as that kind of thing usually goes, escape wasn't so simple. I endured a long night, tossing and turning. Drifting off, only to be awoken with the headline racing through my head. It seemed permantly etched to my eyes. Or one word anyway. The word Mine. The headline was about a man that was arrested for rape and the headline included the information that he had carved the word Mine on his victims body.

My heart broke for her that she will have that gastly scar to live with... that constant reminder. That constant invasion. It overwhelmed me.

When I searched myself as to why it caused such turmoil in me... for me... the answer seemed realitively clear. In a way (though not always with a knife) that's what all rapists do. They carve the word Mine on our bodies and minds, because our bodies remember and our  minds  can never forget. Our lives have been written upon by rapists and we endure times that we feel we belong to rape. We struggle and fight against it. The very notion makes us angry and we deny it. Yet, there it is. We have been raped and there is nothing we can do to undo that. There is nothing we can do to make ourselves forget.

I pondered what possible solutions I would take had it literally been carved into my flesh... that single word... mine. A skin graft? The idea didn't hold any comfort. I would always know why that patch of skin looked different. A tattoo to cover it? No. I would always know that I was hiding something horrible and filthy. I would always know it was just beneath the 'art'. I've lived to much of my life hiding rape, from others and myself! I was so grieved because I saw no answer. If I couldn't find an answer to escape the power of that word on the flesh, how would I ever find the answer to it etched on the heart and mind?

Like King David, I lay on my bed and prayed.
 ¹ In You, O LORD, I put my trust;
         Let me never be ashamed; 
         Deliver me in Your righteousness.
 ² Bow down Your ear to me,
         Deliver me speedily; 
         Be my rock of refuge, 
         A fortress of defense to save me. 
        
 ³ For You are my rock and my fortress;
         Therefore, for Your name’s sake, 
         Lead me and guide me.
 ⁴ Pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me,
         For You are my strength.
 ⁵ Into Your hand I commit my spirit;
         You have redeemed me, O LORD God of truth. 
        
 ⁶ I have hated those who regard useless idols;
         But I trust in the LORD.
 ⁷ I will be glad and rejoice in Your mercy,
         For You have considered my trouble; 
         You have known my soul in adversities,
 ⁸ And have not shut me up into the hand of the enemy;
         You have set my feet in a wide place. 
        
 ⁹ Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am in trouble;
         My eye wastes away with grief, 
         Yes, my soul and my body!
 ¹⁰ For my life is spent with grief,
         And my years with sighing; 
         My strength fails because of my iniquity, 
         And my bones waste away.
 ¹¹ I am a reproach among all my enemies,
         But especially among my neighbors, 
         And am repulsive to my acquaintances; 
         Those who see me outside flee from me.
 ¹² I am forgotten like a dead man, out of mind;
         I am like a broken vessel.
 ¹³ For I hear the slander of many;
         Fear is on every side; 
         While they take counsel together against me, 
         They scheme to take away my life. 
        
 ¹⁴ But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD;
         I say, “You are my God.”
 ¹⁵ My times are in Your hand;
         Deliver me from the hand of my enemies, 
         And from those who persecute me.
 ¹⁶ Make Your face shine upon Your servant;
         Save me for Your mercies’ sake.
 ¹⁷ Do not let me be ashamed, O LORD, for I have called upon You;
         Let the wicked be ashamed; 
         Let them be silent in the grave.
 ¹⁸ Let the lying lips be put to silence,
         Which speak insolent things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous. 
        
 ¹⁹ Oh, how great is Your goodness,
         Which You have laid up for those who fear You, 
         Which You have prepared for those who trust in You 
         In the presence of the sons of men!
 ²⁰ You shall hide them in the secret place of Your presence
         From the plots of man; 
         You shall keep them secretly in a pavilion 
         From the strife of tongues. 
        
 ²¹ Blessed be the LORD,
         For He has shown me His marvelous kindness in a strong city!
 ²² For I said in my haste,
         “I am cut off from before Your eyes”; 
         Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications 
         When I cried out to You. 
        
 ²³ Oh, love the LORD, all you His saints!
         For the LORD preserves the faithful, 
         And fully repays the proud person.
 ²⁴ Be of good courage,
         And He shall strengthen your heart, 
         All you who hope in the LORD. (Psalm 31, New King James Version)

And the Lord heard me and showed me. I saw the only answer. The word Mine must remain, but it must be transformed with new meaning.
Song of Solomon 6:3
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.

This is what must be written upon our hearts and minds. The Lord is my beloved, I belong to Him, and my beloved is mine. It's the only way to take back the word... to be rid of the ugliness that the word mine has had due to rape. I do not belong to a rapist. I do not belong to rape. Rape does belong to me, yet I am my beloved's  and my beloved is mine.

And there is freedom and rest in that.

IN SECRET PLACES

A beautiful poem written by a beautiful woman. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Linda.  ---- Click on the title below to visit Linda's blog.

IN SECRET PLACES
by
Linda J. De Graw
(copyright 1990)

In secret places, deep inside,
I've buried hurts, fears, pain and pride.
I thought they'd stay there, out of the way,
but somehow they keep surfacing today.

Oh LORD, it's not right to feel anger and hate !!
Won't You please HELP ME . . . these feelings abate ???
I've been struggling all day with these unpleasant foes.
They rob me of joy and in its place leave woes.

I'm sick of this see-saw -- ^ELATION/_despair . . .
My soul needs renewing, overhauling and repair !!!
But, I guess I'd like a "magic cure"
so pain and discomfort I won't have to endure.

Yes, You're right, LORD, denial never cures the past --
it just keeps re-surfacing, and again I'm harassed !
But HOW can I put it PERMANENTLY to rest
when its offspring of imps keeps putting me to the test ???

In that dark little corner, over there to the right,
is where I keep "REJECTION" well out of sight.
Yet daily it seems to raise its ugly head
snapping at me from morning 'til bed !

My "FEARS" I keep over there on the shelf,
ignoring them, and trying to encourage myself.
But they keep sliding off and rolling my way --
ever tripping me up so I make no headway.

"GUILT" and "SHAME" are tucked snugly underneath;
but, they too, harass me beyond belief !!
Even though I've confessed all that I can think of
they retort that I've no right to receive any love.

And "THE THREE-HEADED MONSTER"
-- that keeps glaring me in the eye --
is the one I never escape, named Me, Myself & I.
It hounds me incessantly all night and all day
with its "shoulds" and its "oughts" and the debts I can't pay.

But there, well-hidden -- (even from me),
is where the worst tyrant struggles to be free.
With its silent screaming and rattling of cage,
jarring my soul . . . this thing called "RAGE".

And that over there?? No, that's not a lake . . .
it's an ocean of tears -- unshed for "PRIDE's" sake.
Oh, yes, it's an ocean. Real salt you can taste.
Too bad it's so big . . . so much room it does waste.

LORD . . . ? If I were to let You drain that ocean from me --
would that at last from my past set me free ? ? ?
Fountains of Living Water You've promised to give . . .
Oh, LORD -- is THAT what I've needed to learn how to live ???

Then drain this salty marsh, with its muck and its mire,
and give me the Springs of Your Heart's desire !!!
Wash clean those hidden corners of my dark soul . . .
then fill me with Your Spirit 'til I am made whole !!!

It almost seems just too good to be true . . .
But if I let You empty me, You can FILL ME with YOU!
Oh LORD, make haste; let there be no delay !!!
Possess me entirely -- come fill me TODAY !!!


"Am I a God near at hand,"
says the LORD,
"And not a God afar off?
Can anyone hide himself
in secret places,
So I shall not see him?"
says the LORD;
"Do I not
fill
heaven and earth?"
says the LORD.

Jeremiah 23:23, 24 (NKJV) (emphasis mine)

White As Snow

Snow is one of those amazing, breath taking, beautiful things that God blessed us with. It always brings to mind how He said that though our sins are as scarlet, He would make us white as snow. Isaiah 1:18 Lately when I’ve watched it snow, I’ve thought not only about the filth of my sins, but about the filth of rape and how God in His infinite mercy cleanses me from that, too.

Some days, I feel so close to freedom from it all. Other days, I can feel the dirt hiding in crevices, interfering with my life... being an irritant... and I wonder if I’ll ever be truly free. I think of snow, falling one flake at a time and know that’s how healing comes, one victorious step at a time. It doesn’t matter how many steps it takes. It doesn’t matter if the snow comes in blizzard form or gently falling flakes... it cleanses. It refreshes and renews. It fills water tables and makes streams run. It quenches thirst and causes the ground to bring forth life. It can also sting, burning the skin. It can cause great discomfort and make any travel hazardous. It can cause death for those caught unprepared. And yet we need it.

The journey from rape is full of hazards. There are those that are so broken by it and so unprepared by life for it, that it brings death. (If not actual physical death, it can bring emotional and mental death.) For those that press forward, one step at a time, it often comes with great discomfort. It stings and burns and makes us want to run away. But if we stick to the course laid before us and keep walking, the victories pile up higher and higher and the beauty is evident. Refreshing and renewal happens and new life springs up. This is the work of God and each of us must chose to walk the path before us, if we want to see the fulfilled miracle of being made ‘white as snow’.

I can scorn the road set before me. I can throw myself down and refuse to walk it out, but I know that’s a deadly choice. An unfruitful and selfish choice.

Instead, I’ll continue putting one foot in front of the other and walk with Him. I’ll keep my eyes open for the tools He provides to make it through safely. I will prepare myself with God’s word, prayer and surround myself with others that love Him, so that even if a storm catches me off guard, I’ll survive and come out the other side closer to Him and more useful for His work. Jesus never promised we would go through life unscathed, but He did promise we would finish safely in His rest and fullness.

Beauty From Pain

Rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings. 1 Peter 4:13

The sufferings of Jesus were not the 'ordinary' kind of suffering that mankind faces. He suffered according to the will of God. It is only when we are related to and abiding in Jesus that we may become partakers of Christ's suffering. Only then can our suffering come under the hand of God and be transformed. Only then can beauty come from pain and ashes. Only then can our Lord make use of us in our suffering. Usefulness that stretches into eternity.

I have railed against the suffering that rape brought to my life. I have cried about how unfair it is. And I'm right. It is unfair. Yet, if I remain in that attitude, my suffering remains mine alone and can't be transformed. Jesus went to the cross without once uttering how unfair it was to die at the hands of man.. those He created!, for their very sin - when He alone was sinless. Talk about 'unfair'.

How can God have said to 'count it all joy' when trials and tribulation come at us? We cannot know exactly why God is taking us this way, but He knows. And as we become partakers in the sufferings of Christ, new life comes forth. Jesus' suffering is still affecting lives 2,000 years later.

I don't want my suffering to be an ordinary thing. I want to be able to look back and see His light and love poured out over it, sanctifying me and using me. I want to hear 'well done My good and faithful servant.' I want to bear my cross with grace and honor Him who asked me to bear it. Let not my heart faint within me.

Innocence Lost

When I was sixteen years old, I went to a party with a friend. At that time there were no warnings about rape drugs. I had never heard of them, let alone been cautioned about accepting drinks from strangers (or those you don't know really well.) Leave a drink unattended? We did it all the time. It never crossed our minds that there are people with evil intentions that would harm others in such a way. I was naive. I was innocent.

This all changed that night. I was drugged and raped. My virginity was gone... to a complete stranger. I didn't know it was rape. There was no violence. There was no need for violence. The drug took care of that. I didn't say no. I didn't know I needed to because, in my innocence, I didn't know that's what he was doing until it was too late. These insidious drugs make you only partially aware of what's happening around you and to you.

Several months later, a friend and I got into a strangers truck. I had been warned about never getting into a strangers car.. alone. I had been warned about always using the buddy system. I thought this was safe. It wasn't. He got her out of the truck, took me to an isolated area and raped me. There were no drugs to numb my mind or the pain this time.

When I was 20, married and had a two year old, it happened yet again. I was raped. This time by the husband of a friend.

There wasn't an innocent bone left in my body.

Are there moments in time when you realized your innocence was lost? I don't mean the moment you lost your virginity, consenting or not. I mean those moments when you saw the evil and hard things in the world, tasted the evil in the world, and it changed you. It altered your view of yourself and your view of the world.

Each of these events (and others) in my life altered me. After the first two incidents I doubted God as never before. I also suddenly understood what men wanted. All men. I had no room left in my thinking that there were any moral men on this planet. My own morals came under fire and many fell in a dazzling burst of flame. I fell with them.

The third time eventually drove me to my knees in search of God. My back could no longer carry the burden of my own sin along with the sins of others. I needed to know if there was any relief. I needed to know if God was real or not.

My search led me to a relationship with God that I didn't know was possible. I finally uttered the words; "God, if You're real.. if Jesus died for me, please forgive me." Not exactly a great prayer of faith, but in that instant I knew He was real and that I was forgiven. The expression "I was blind, but now I see" fit perfectly. The weight of my sin fell off my back and I was declared forgiven. I was declared innocent.

I will never regain innocence in regards to this world again, yet I found a greater innocence. An innocence that can trust God and love man. An innocence that is timeless and unaffected by the things of this world. The shadows of lost innocence are long and dark, yet my soul lives in the light and freedom of the knowledge of eternity, where no sin or pain will stain my life.

Support?

In my search for answers over the last few years, I've stumbled across and joined a few rape related message boards. One of the things that I've found interesting and incredibly frustrating is the kind of 'support' so often offered as though it had any real benefit. Hundreds of times after someone posts a heart wrenching struggle they're dealing with, the responses will often state something along the lines of "If you ever want to talk, I'm here. Love you!" Wasn't the original post intended to talk? Right then? Right there?

No one expects us to have all the answers, but cheap love and pretend support isn't what any of us needs. We're all finding our way through this. Some are further along than others. Some of grasped something that will undoubtedly help someone else. Some have seen something in a way that the hurting haven't considered yet. These things need to be shared! Over and over again if necessary.

The bigger frustration is that when someone joins one of these boards and frankly, has the social ineptitude of a skunk, yet if someone calls them on their lousy attitude, filthy language (which happens to be a major trigger for many rape victims... most obviously because so many rapists use those words during the rape... duh..), or just plain rudeness to other posters, there are inevitably those that will come along and excuse their behavior. They immediately side with 'the rude one', claiming that their behavior needs to be overlooked because they were raped. So, let me get this straight... if you're a rape victim, you suddenly have free reign to be a jerk wherever you go? You were treated like garbage so it's completely understandable and excusable to treat others like garbage? I simply can't wrap my head around that.

Treat others as you would like to be treated is still a great rule to live by.

Treating others with kindness and respect actually shows healing. It shows a healthy view towards others instead of a life filled with self absorption and self pity. While being an angry brat may feel good and 'powerful', it's not. It self demeaning and will get you nowhere fast.

And that's my rant for the day! Have a great one and be kind to one another!

What I've lost to the world, what seems far beyond redemption ..

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Resurrection: by Nicole Sponberg

I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold?
Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing the wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm numb to the core
I can't fake it anymore.

[chorus:]
Here I am at the end, I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world, what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

[chorus 2:]
Here I am once again, I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world, what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

Here I am once again, I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead